Ooooookay there's quite a lot to put in this post...
1. MASSIVE BLOG CHANGES!!!
Not that massive really I s'pose but... yeah. Changed the look quite a bit. The About Me section has fewer words and better description (oh and "gradual nerd" means I'm slowly becoming an actual nerd, rather than saying I'm a nerd and not having actually watched or played many nerdish things), and the display pic is actually me! I secretly put on makeup and took some pictures of myself one night. Only a few of them looked any kind of good, but it was interesting to do. I thought I'd be better at improvising with it but I didn't realise I'd be figuring out what everything was. It wasn't hard but it definitely could've gone better. This isn't the whole picture though, it's the most female-looking bit of the best one; the whole picture has a slight beard surrounding a pair of lips I'm sorta proud of. Still don't want to get rid of my beard incase it raises questions...
2. Borderline Personality Disorder
It's a self diagnosis but I'm pretty sure I have this mental condition. There's a lot of evidence for it, though I do say so myself. In the posts I did in April and May, I talked about not really being allowed an identity, about growing up being taught that I'm wrong for being who I am. This is apparently how BPD develops. As well as a lack of identity, it's characterised by a fear of abandonment, and it makes you be an awful person to your friends if they do anything that sort of excludes you (which definitely has happened). I don't know if anyone's looked into this, but if I am trans (and at the moment I'm pretty certain I am) it sort of makes sense that I didn't figure it out for a long time. Also, it might be the case that I'm not trans and this is just me trying to find myself in the fog that is BPD. Luckily it's possible to fully recover from this so I will know for sure one day.
3. Trans-stuff
I started working on my voice again a few weeks ago, after stopping for a few months. Still not ready to actually upload a recording like I said I would before, but I've got it up a few notes. I'm hoping to start properly living as a woman year after next, with the working title of Lizzy. Subject to change but I've been through pages of names and almost none of them really felt right (which could be the BPD doing its thing).
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
Lenses Half-Unseen As They Come To Me
A little further in my self-definition, I know that I'm not a man. Not completely. I don't know if I'm completely a woman either though. I don't feel like I can be any more sure of anything right now.
I have been practicing a female voice though. So far I can't properly talk with it, but I think singing sounds alright. Thinking of uploading a recording somewhere.
Just figured I should wait until more trans related stuff happened before updating. I know writing about some project no one's gonna hear isn't really interesting.
I have been practicing a female voice though. So far I can't properly talk with it, but I think singing sounds alright. Thinking of uploading a recording somewhere.
Just figured I should wait until more trans related stuff happened before updating. I know writing about some project no one's gonna hear isn't really interesting.
Saturday, 7 May 2011
This is my dilemma.
The project is cancelled. It was basically going to be a big musical coming-out-to-my-family thing. But not quite how it sounds. I need to explain.
There are lots more things my family don't know about me, things that aren't gender, things that shouldn't even be hidden. The “some kind of identity” I found and kept secret was Helen Trevillion's music.
Ok this is a clusterfuck of things needing explanation.
I'm still not sure why, but when I was younger I was really afraid of appearing feminine. I guess it could be because of my transphobic dad, who I think was kind of obsessed with the idea of being a Man (with a capital M). I've written about his childishness before, and all I really need to say here is that I'm pretty sure he's mentally still a teenager, and has been most of his life. (I'm not on such bad grounds with him these days. I don't see him very often though. Which I'm fine with. I wonder what would happen if I came out as trans... Provided I actually am, of course.) But I'm pretty sure it was other people too. My guess is that I was made fun of every time I did anything that might be feminine, so I did my best to avoid it. For years I was afraid of talking to girls, talking about girls, and even saying female pronouns or the word “girl”. It wasn't the only thing though. My self was still crumbling on the inside, and I didn't even know it was happening.
It's in this context that I discovered Helen's music. I'd never really felt allowed to judge female artists myself before, but I was listening to this on my own so I had no other opinions to fall back on; it had to be mine. Needless to say I became a fan.
But this couldn't be let out. Me? Liking a female artist? I had to hide this. I think I knew I couldn't know how people would react, but the past indicated ridicule, and I couldn't afford that, not after I'd just spent the bulk of fifteen years falling away inside. Especially not after it'd only just stopped.
That's what the project was. I was going to “come out” about my real music tastes. And I needed to do it in this way, because I need them to know how big of a deal this is to me. The rebuilding and development of my identity started with discovering Helen Trevillion. Her music and words are central to what makes me me, in the present day (granted, there're now plenty of things that make me me in the present day).
But it doesn't feel right. Every time I think about working on it, I decide not to. The project just doesn't feel like something I want to do. I know I'll have to tell them somehow eventually, I know I can't stay this repressed, but I don't want to do it like this, for some reason. It feels like a huge undertaking, so I can't just plain tell them, and I don't want to have a long and painful conversation about my past with them, mostly because they're often antagonists in the story of my past, and I don't want to burn any bridges, especially not while I'm still living here.
There are lots more things my family don't know about me, things that aren't gender, things that shouldn't even be hidden. The “some kind of identity” I found and kept secret was Helen Trevillion's music.
Ok this is a clusterfuck of things needing explanation.
I'm still not sure why, but when I was younger I was really afraid of appearing feminine. I guess it could be because of my transphobic dad, who I think was kind of obsessed with the idea of being a Man (with a capital M). I've written about his childishness before, and all I really need to say here is that I'm pretty sure he's mentally still a teenager, and has been most of his life. (I'm not on such bad grounds with him these days. I don't see him very often though. Which I'm fine with. I wonder what would happen if I came out as trans... Provided I actually am, of course.) But I'm pretty sure it was other people too. My guess is that I was made fun of every time I did anything that might be feminine, so I did my best to avoid it. For years I was afraid of talking to girls, talking about girls, and even saying female pronouns or the word “girl”. It wasn't the only thing though. My self was still crumbling on the inside, and I didn't even know it was happening.
It's in this context that I discovered Helen's music. I'd never really felt allowed to judge female artists myself before, but I was listening to this on my own so I had no other opinions to fall back on; it had to be mine. Needless to say I became a fan.
But this couldn't be let out. Me? Liking a female artist? I had to hide this. I think I knew I couldn't know how people would react, but the past indicated ridicule, and I couldn't afford that, not after I'd just spent the bulk of fifteen years falling away inside. Especially not after it'd only just stopped.
That's what the project was. I was going to “come out” about my real music tastes. And I needed to do it in this way, because I need them to know how big of a deal this is to me. The rebuilding and development of my identity started with discovering Helen Trevillion. Her music and words are central to what makes me me, in the present day (granted, there're now plenty of things that make me me in the present day).
But it doesn't feel right. Every time I think about working on it, I decide not to. The project just doesn't feel like something I want to do. I know I'll have to tell them somehow eventually, I know I can't stay this repressed, but I don't want to do it like this, for some reason. It feels like a huge undertaking, so I can't just plain tell them, and I don't want to have a long and painful conversation about my past with them, mostly because they're often antagonists in the story of my past, and I don't want to burn any bridges, especially not while I'm still living here.
Saturday, 9 April 2011
Gender/Identity
I don't know if I'm trans.
There. That's the current truth, as I understand it.
For most of 2009, I lived believing (more or less) that I was female. For most of 2010, I lived believing that I was male. Neither felt completely right or wrong.
I think, somewhere around the start of 2010, I decided I didn't think I was trans anymore, but that I shouldn't jump to conclusions. For the whole rest of that year, gender wasn't really on my mind, and I didn't really feel like a woman. But most of the time, when I did think about gender, I didn't really feel like a man either. I don't know what I am.
For the past three years, I've been trying to break down barriers in my head and trying to figure myself out. My current project is, basically, the summation of that (but actually, this is the first time I've really thought of it like that).
I never really thought about gender to begin with, but when I did it seemed like I might not be cisgendered. I still don't know for sure either way.
Most of the project is about not being able to express myself, and not really being allowed an identity, not just at school but also at home. It's mostly all about my need for identity, and being rejected on all fronts. But it's also about eventually finding some kind of identity, and keeping it secret so that I won't be rejected again.
So what I'm currently writing and recording is basically my life story so far, wherein I get consistently rejected by most people, and hide my identity in order to avoid a worse life.
It's definitely possible that I just relate to transpeople in that way (even though there's not nearly as much of a risk if I "come out", about what I'm sure of, in my case). It's definitely possible that I'm a cisgendered man who has just experienced the need to hide his identity. But that still doesn't feel completely true.
So I don't know. Maybe I'm a man, maybe I'm a woman, maybe I'm neither, or somewhere inbetween.
Maybe I'll find out one day.
There. That's the current truth, as I understand it.
For most of 2009, I lived believing (more or less) that I was female. For most of 2010, I lived believing that I was male. Neither felt completely right or wrong.
I think, somewhere around the start of 2010, I decided I didn't think I was trans anymore, but that I shouldn't jump to conclusions. For the whole rest of that year, gender wasn't really on my mind, and I didn't really feel like a woman. But most of the time, when I did think about gender, I didn't really feel like a man either. I don't know what I am.
For the past three years, I've been trying to break down barriers in my head and trying to figure myself out. My current project is, basically, the summation of that (but actually, this is the first time I've really thought of it like that).
I never really thought about gender to begin with, but when I did it seemed like I might not be cisgendered. I still don't know for sure either way.
Most of the project is about not being able to express myself, and not really being allowed an identity, not just at school but also at home. It's mostly all about my need for identity, and being rejected on all fronts. But it's also about eventually finding some kind of identity, and keeping it secret so that I won't be rejected again.
So what I'm currently writing and recording is basically my life story so far, wherein I get consistently rejected by most people, and hide my identity in order to avoid a worse life.
It's definitely possible that I just relate to transpeople in that way (even though there's not nearly as much of a risk if I "come out", about what I'm sure of, in my case). It's definitely possible that I'm a cisgendered man who has just experienced the need to hide his identity. But that still doesn't feel completely true.
So I don't know. Maybe I'm a man, maybe I'm a woman, maybe I'm neither, or somewhere inbetween.
Maybe I'll find out one day.
Monday, 28 March 2011
Wow, March really is when it all happens!
And again, I'm (roughly) a week late for new Faefly-Records stuff.
Also, I'm approaching a quarter of the way through my current project. It's a heap of songs and other stuff.
I don't know when I'll be posting links here; maybe for each quarter, maybe when it's all done, maybe when it's halfway. I won't know until the moment. I can't tell when the best time would be. At the moment I'm thinking every quarter, but I might change my mind later.
Things are looking up! Or maybe reverse-gravity down.
Good either way.
Also, I'm approaching a quarter of the way through my current project. It's a heap of songs and other stuff.
I don't know when I'll be posting links here; maybe for each quarter, maybe when it's all done, maybe when it's halfway. I won't know until the moment. I can't tell when the best time would be. At the moment I'm thinking every quarter, but I might change my mind later.
Things are looking up! Or maybe reverse-gravity down.
Good either way.
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
This Time of Year is When Something New Starts Apparently
I'm still alive. A lot has happened. Mostly thinking.
I don't really want to explain anything in this entry. It just seemed appropriate that I say something now.
The first whale, Winged, was started on March 9th 2009.
The second whale, Before Water, was last updated on March 8th 2010.
Now is the right time.
I feel like it's important to say that I did keep a journal of some sort throughout 2010. Full of thoughts I didn't (and still don't yet) want to share with anyone at all. Full of truths, as I was figuring out what they were.
Everything will be explained. Hopefully this year. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
This is something I need to get past.
I don't really want to explain anything in this entry. It just seemed appropriate that I say something now.
The first whale, Winged, was started on March 9th 2009.
The second whale, Before Water, was last updated on March 8th 2010.
Now is the right time.
I feel like it's important to say that I did keep a journal of some sort throughout 2010. Full of thoughts I didn't (and still don't yet) want to share with anyone at all. Full of truths, as I was figuring out what they were.
Everything will be explained. Hopefully this year. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
This is something I need to get past.
Monday, 8 March 2010
I Forget for a Week and Look What Happens
Wow. I forgot how much of a fan I was of Helen Trevillion. Ever since my old mp3 player broke I've been largely without her music. Holy crap that's half a year!
I just checked to see if the Faefly Records website is up yet, which is something I often forget to do, and it actually was up! There's not much there yet, but what there is is a music player with two pieces I'd never heard before. Magic!
I just checked to see if the Faefly Records website is up yet, which is something I often forget to do, and it actually was up! There's not much there yet, but what there is is a music player with two pieces I'd never heard before. Magic!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)